CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Memorandum

TO: Director of Safety and Operations
FROM: Quiconque

I'm writing you all about a situation that has come to my attention recently. I had long suspected that this was an issue, and the complaints of the evening students last week have confirmed my suspicions.

At night, once the sun goes down, it gets DARK outside.

Now, I know that, technically, the sun does not "go down," so much as the earth's rotation changes where sunlight strikes the earth's surface. Scientific explanations aside, we haven't had a frank discussion about what the lack of sunlight means for our students, our programs, and our nation's future.

The human eye requires light in order to perceive visual stimuli. In common terms, it's hard to see in the dark. Our students, beneficiaries of the most expensive liberal arts education money can buy, are sadly lacking in practical knowledge--knowledge that would alert them to use other senses to compensate for limited visibility. So, I ask you to encourage your students to use ALL their senses when traveling around campus at night. I know for a fact that the sense of taste is grossly underutilized when navigating unfamiliar terrain. Invite your students to walk through the parking lot with their tongues out. Like snakes, they may pick up on hidden dangers lurking in the bushes.

In our advanced world of globalized capitalism, we've moved away from the simple values of our hunter-gathering and agricultural ancestors. In the never-ending pursuit of economic gain, we have irrevocably altered our diurnal lifestyle, and are now forcing ourselves to work, play, and socialize at a time when our forbears would have been asleep somewhere on a rock. This nocturnal activity makes us increasingly dependent on technology. Technology, as we know from that movie Al Gore made, drains our natural resources at an alarming rate. I feel, and I'm not alone in this, that we, as a campus, need to scale back on the ecological impact we have on the environment. To this end, I recommend we encourage the students to deal with the darkness the way our primitive brothers and sisters did: with fire. I propose that we keep a supply of pitch torches in the vestibule of the Graduate Building. Students who are afraid to walk through the parking lot at night, or are reluctant to use their tongues to taste out danger, will be allowed to check out a torch for 12 hours with their student ID card. Fees for late returns on torches will be assessed at a rate of 25 cents per half hour. A supply of torches will also come in handy if the building is ever threatened by Frankenstein's monster or some other creature of the night.

Finally, students should not walk alone at night. Every campus safety pamphlet in the country recommends that students walk with a friend (or two) once the sun goes down. Unfortunately, this recommendation does not take into account those students who, because of physical disfigurement, unappealing personalities, or sketchy hygiene, have no friends. I have discovered, through a cursory perusal of craigslist.org, that there are professionals who are willing to serve as "friends" for a modest fee. I think that we should set aside a portion of our yearly budget to pay for professional escorts for our students. After all, do we want to trust our students' safety to amateur friends? That is not the level of quality students at Nearby Women's College deserve.

I hope I have enlightened you to some of the many facets of this issue. I welcome your comments and suggestions.

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