CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Surprised by Porn

At breakfast last week, my mother turned to my sister and me and asked, out of the blue, �Do we subscribe to pornographic channels?�

Oh, Lordy-Lord. Where could this conversation be heading?

�Uh, not specifically. We don�t subscribe to porn channels, but one of the regular channels plays a block of porn in the middle of the night,� I answered cautiously. �Why do you ask?�

�Well, I couldn�t sleep last night; so I started watching some show. And I was thinking to myself, �This dialogue is very poor.� And then it got really stupid. One of the women was trying to make money and she went to some company owned by this man and they started kissing��

La Belle Helene and I looked at one another. I muttered an aside, �Our mother is analyzing the plot of a porn movie.�

Mother went on, �I got fed up with it. So, I changed the channel and I saw a whole set * of stuff going on!�

I blame Cinemax. Cinemax plays regular movies throughout most of the day, but turns into a porn station for a few hours every night. And since we get the East Coast and West Coast channels, that can mean almost 6 hours of continuous, repetitive, porn action.

The porn is sandwiched in between movies we actually want to watch. Many nights I�ve gone to the bathroom after watching a fine film on Cinemax, only to discover that I�d inadvertently been subjecting my neighbors to the sounds of loud gasping and cheesy music streaming through my screen door. My sister, who works hard and is nice, often falls asleep in front of the TV. My mom caught her sleeping in front of a porno, and ordered her to go to bed immediately.

And then there�s Brother Ephraim, who spent a week with us over the summer. Having given up all sorts of comforts such as bedding, professional haircuts, and video games, Brother Ephraim usually spends his vacation time chez nous watching hours and hours of satellite TV. Like a small child, Brother Ephraim doesn�t always choose appropriate programs.

SuperFudge had the misfortune of watching TV with him one Friday night. Within half and hour, she flounced down the basement stairs in disgust. �I can�t watch TV with Br. Ephraim anymore. He keeps watching porn, and he doesn�t even know it. I could tell, as soon as I saw the guy licking the woman�s shoe, what kind of movie was on the television. But he didn�t realize it until they got naked, and then he switched channels, but it was another porn movie. And again, he didn�t realize it. It�s too frustrating and embarrassing. I give up.�

Now that my mother has watched and critiqued her share of porn movies, she�s considering blocking those channels. Why? Well, she�s concerned that a child might wake up in the middle of the night and turn on the TV and be exposed to prurient material. I gently reminded her that no children actually live in our house. The youngest member of our household is 28. But if she�s afraid that a 62 year-old woman might accidentally turn on a porno while looking for HGTV in the middle of the night, then, by all means, she should consider a V-chip.

* Like the Lapin hrair, �a whole set of� is a West Indian term that can mean anywhere from five to a thousand. It can be translated roughly as �a lot.�

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READING: Martha Stewart Living, October issue. Don't read on an empty stomach.

WATCHING: Starting Over. It's the closest thing I have to therapy.