CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Fauna Files: I Wanna Have a Baby

Maury: Today on our show, "I'm a Sex-Crazed Kid and I Want to Have a Baby," we have with us Aurora the Octopus. Aurora has come all the way from Alaska to be with us this morning. Aurora, tell us why you're here.

Aurora: Maury, I wanna have a baby, plain and simple.

Maury: Aurora, please tell the audience how old you are.

Aurora: I'm three years old.

Audience: [GASP!]

Aurora: Age ain't nothin' but a number, Maury. I wanna have a baby, and I don't care what anybody says. I'ma do what I have to.

Maury: Oh, you're going to do whatever you have to, eh? What do your parents have to say about this?

Aurora: I don't got no parents, all right? I was abandoned by my birth mother. I've lived in an institution all my life. That's why I wanna have a family of my own. I'd never do that to my baby.

Maury: Have you even finished school yet, Aurora?

Aurora: No, I didn't finish school. I don't need to go to school.

Maury: You think you know everything. Too smart for school. But, how are you going to take care of your offspring if you don't have a high school degree?

Aurora: Puhleeze. J-1 said he'd help take care of my baby. And if he doesn't then I'll go on welfare. The state of Alaska can pay for my baby.

Audience: BOO!

Aurora: [Turning dark blue] Ya'll don't know me. I'ma have my baby. I don't care what you think!

Maury: Aurora, is it true that you have already had sexual intercourse?

Aurora: Maury, I like sex. I have sex three, four times a day. I am gonna have a baby, don't matter what nobody else says.

Maury: I assume you are having unprotected sex. Don't you realize that there are diseases out there? Don't you understand you could die?

Aurora: I ain't gonna die. My man told me he was clean.

Maury: And you took his word for it? Aurora, isn't it true that your partner is much older than you?

Aurora: Yeah, J-1 is 5 years old. [Audience boos] What of it? He takes care of me. J-1 loves me. He understands me. He wants to have a baby, too. And let me tell you, he is a good lover! It's true I made the first move, but he had me turning colors in no time!

Maury: Unfortunately, J-1 was too frail to make the trip to our studios. But we do have someone here who'd like to talk to you Aurora. Audience, please welcome Dee West. [Applause]

Dee West: [Shouts in Aurora's face] You are better than this! You are beautiful! But you are selling yourself short! That old octopus doesn't love you! If he loved you, he would give you time to grow up and be all you could be in your life!

Aurora: [Emits black ink and shoots to the other side of the stage] Don't you get all in my face! You don't know me!

Dee West: Maury, it's so important for these youngsters to realize that raising offspring is not a game. It's no joke. It's hard work! I've brought a friend of mine, another young octopus named Celeste, to tell it like it is.

Celeste: Aurora, I was just like you. I felt alone, and unloved, and I thought that a baby was the answer. I got involved with an older male. He promised me everything. And when he slipped me his sperm packet it was like the best feeling in the world. I thought it was love. But, now look at me. I'm bloated and swollen with somewhere between 60,000 to 100,000 of his babies, and he's gone, Aurora, he's gone. I'm so busy tending my eggs that I don't even have time to eat. Every day I get weaker, and I know, once these babies are born, that I am going to die. I was wild, like you, and I looked for pleasure and a good time, and all it's gotten me is a death sentence. Aurora, please, take my advice. Don't go down this road.

Aurora: [Crying, wraps tentacles around Celeste] Oh, I don't want to die! I can't support 60,000-100,000 babies!

Maury: Aurora, we'll help you. But first we have to find out if you're pregnant. We'll revisit Aurora's story tomorrow and learn about the results of her pregnancy test. Stay tuned for our next segment, "Caught on Tape: Spring Break Frogs Gone Wild," right after these words from our sponsors.

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LINKS

DIARYRINGS

READING: Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde

WATCHING: Andromeda. Don't you judge me.