CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Don't get me started
2004-11-11

For Real, Though!

Yesterday morning, I opened my front door to find my usually quiet street flooded with police officers. There were two police trucks in the middle of the block, two more police cars farther up the street, and an unmarked car parked right next to my little Saturn. Some of my neighbors were out on their porches. People were craning their necks and making hushed comments.

Three houses down from mine, across the street, stood about 10 cops, surrounding what looked like a body strapped to a board, lying in the gutter. �Oh, no!� I thought, �Someone got hit by a car!� But the cops were just hanging out, talking. None of them were even looking at the body. And there were no ambulances, just police vehicles.

So then I thought, �Oh no! A transient has fallen down dead by the side of the road!� But the body was not covered, which is what the police would have done if the person was dead.

And then I thought, �Oh no! The street is clogged with cars and I�m going to have to do a 3-point turn in front of all these cops in order to get to work!� And my curiosity regarding the body was put on hold while I maneuvered the car in a perfect broken U-turn and drove to the public college where I teach young people whose parents don�t pay lots of money.

When I got to work, I�d pretty much forgotten about the police incident. You see, I was observed in class yesterday. I cannot say it went very well. Half the class was absent. The half that was present was unvocal and listless. I had no energy to work with, and the observer only stayed for the first 15 minutes. Things perked up a little when one of my students showed up 10 minutes late with a tiny crack baby she�d adopted last week. (On Monday I�d asked the students if they could arrange to set a small fire in the corner of the room to deflect attention from me during the observation. I guess a crack baby is the next best thing.) Things got much better once the observer left the room and I was free to cuss in my customary lecturing style.

By the time I got home that afternoon, all the cops were gone. I asked my mother if she knew what had happened that morning. Apparently one of our neighbors called her at work in the middle of the event, and warned her to check our back yard closely and make sure that nothing was wrong.

�Why?� I asked, �Did someone rob us?�

�No, but Our Neighbor called to tell me that there were 20 cops running through our yard this morning,� my mother replied.

Well, I�d seen the cops in the front of the house, but I had not seen any evidence of police activity in the back yard, even though I walked through the back yard twice that morning. And I�d spent the morning in the basement, a few yards from whatever had been going on and I had not heard a thing.

So, what happened? Well, the cops had been chasing a DEER. A little deer on the lam ran into our yard and hid from the cops in our bushes. The cops found the deer, shot it, and strapped it to a board on the side of the road.

My mother went outside to check the damage. Oddly enough, nothing in the yard is disturbed. The bag of paper recycling is still in the middle of the path. The plastic deck chairs are still stacked against the fence. The toddler toys are lying askew in the yard just where His Wills left them. The only evidence is a series of little bloody hoofprints on the patio.

So, of course, we�re regretful that the cops had to kill the deer just because it was roaming the urban landscape instead of hanging out in the woods. If only it had ventured a little more south, it could�ve taken refuge in the zoo or the botanical gardens. (Actually, we�re not sure the deer is dead. After all, I didn�t even know it was a deer strapped to the body board).

My mom, always practical, mused, �It�s a shame all that meat is going to waste.�

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LISTENING TO: Modest Mouse

READING: American Gods by Neil Gaiman

WATCHING: A steady parade of Veterans walk down 5th Avenue.

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