CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

There Are Choices

This weekend I discovered that if I have a positive attitude, control my emotions, and feel better about myself, I might not kill a well-loved drama teacher or a hopeful young mother in a grisly car accident on the way to my thankless construction job. With Pat Summerall�s help, I have learned that There Are Choices.

I learned that even though my friends might exert peer pressure on me and call me a sissy for wearing my seat belt, there�s nothing macho about being thrown from a car to my death. I learned how to pump the break, lock the wheels, and direct a skid to avoid....Well, honestly, that video was too technical for me. I have no idea what to do to in a skid. I kept fixating on the driver�s enormous white sneakers and black socks. Really, didn�t he know they were filming his foot? Who told him to wear that?

Learning to drive is not a big deal, is it? Driving is just a routine part of adult life, like working or paying rent. But, if, like me, you�ve waited until your mid-30s to learn to drive, then it becomes a big deal. I keep telling myself that teenagers know how to do it. Deaf people can do it. My coworker who believes that the fax machine is a magical device that transports original documents through time and space can do it. It can�t be that difficult, right?

My driving instructor is a small brown man. He is patient and very brave. He constantly tells me, �Do not be getting nerwous.� For an hour he let me loose on the streets where I nearly killed us by hitting the gas pedal during a botched left turn. His method is to order me to do something, watch me struggle 2 or 3 times, and then teach me the proper technique. What is this hand-over-hand steering? Why have I never seen it done?

My instructor also has special powers. First of all, he has secret pedals on his side of the car to prevent me from running through stop signs and rear-ending other cars. How did I drive for an hour and not use the brake pedal once? I mean, don�t you have to actually stop the car for it to stop? I know he was doing some fancy footwork. Later, he tricked me into thinking we were working on my steering. He told me to close my eyes, turn the wheel one turn to the right and then all the way to the left until it locked. When I opened my eyes, we were perfectly parked, 8 inches from the curb. From now on I will always park with my eyes closed.

Unfortunately I will not achieve my goal of getting my license before my birthday. The earliest available road test is August 17th. Until then, if you�re in the Bronx, I advise you to stay off the streets.

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LINKS

DIARYRINGS

READING: Recipes from Foodtv.com

WATCHING: Driving videos, of course.