CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Fauna Files: Help Me, My Addiction is Out of Control!

Maury: Welcome, welcome to the Maury Show. For today�s episode, "My Secret Life is Killing Me," we have with us a very special guest, here all the way from Colorado. Audience, please say hello to Fat Albert, the Black Bear.

Fat Albert: Good morning, Maury.

Maury: Now, you look like a fine, upstanding bear to me. But I understand you are here because you have a secret.

Fat Albert: It�s not a secret, Maury. I have a problem and I came on national television to talk about it. I hope that by being on your show this morning, I can prevent other bears from reliving my fate. If I can save even one cub from making the terrible mistakes I�ve made, then I�ll be happy.

Maury: That�s admirable. I�m glad you came to my show to tell your story. What is it you want the audience to know?

Fat Albert: Maury, I�m a strong bear. I weigh about 500 lbs. I look like I�m in control. But looks can be deceiving. For most of my life, and until very recently, I was a prisoner of my addiction. I couldn�t think straight. I couldn�t hibernate. I kept waking up, desperate to feed my addiction. Maury, I couldn�t even mate.

Maury: You couldn�t mate?!

Fat Albert: No, Maury, I couldn�t. I had a fine female, but I couldn�t keep my mind on the task at hand for even the few hours we were together. And, you know that females only mate once every two years. So, she was ready, but I just couldn�t feel it. [Hangs head in disappointment.]

Maury: [Touches Fat Albert�s shoulder.] You�ve been struggling with some powerful demons. Tell the audience what you�re addicted to.

Fat Albert: [Head in paws.] Chocolate.

Maury: What? Say it louder so they all can hear. [Gestures to audience.]

Fat Albert: Chocolate! Chocolate ruined my life. It tore apart my family. It made me into a criminal.

Maury: How did it all start?

Fat Albert: Well, Maury, I grew up without a father figure. And, like all young cubs, I didn�t always listen to my mother. She did the best she could, but I guess I was too rambunctious for her. I was always wandering off, sniffing around campgrounds, hanging out with a bad crowd. We didn�t have good role models in those days. The only time you saw a bear on TV was if he was stealing food, getting into trouble, or was some kind of retard.

Maury: So, you got in with a bad crowd, started going to campgrounds. What did you do there?

Fat Albert: At first I was just curious. My mother warned me to stay away from humans, but they were so different from me and my friends. When we were cubs, the humans used to come up and pet us. Once, a little girl gave me a ding dong. It was sweeter than honey, softer than berries, and unlike fish, it was creamy and sugary inside, not full of crunchy bones and bitter organs. If only I knew then what I know now. That sweet ding dong was the first step on the road to damnation.

Maury: Things got worse?

Fat Albert: Oh, Maury, you cannot imagine. I completely stopped listening to my mother. Months would go by and I wouldn�t even see her. I kept visiting the campgrounds, always sniffing for chocolate. My friends were disgusted with me. I would dig through garbage. Many mornings I�d wake up with candy wrappers stuck in my fur. My health began to suffer. My teeth grew weak and began to hurt. I couldn�t eat real food anymore. I was sluggish and lethargic. I couldn�t roam long distances. Eventually, I had no choice but to stay near the human settlements. I didn�t have the energy to go back into the forest.

Maury: When did you realize you�d lost control?

Fat Albert: I reached my low point a few weeks ago. I�d been going to humans' homes, knocking over trash cans in a residential neighborhood near the mountains. There was one guy, he was in a wheel chair. I started taking advantage of him. [Gasps of outrage from the audience.] Hey! I�m not proud of it! I learned quickly that his cabinets were easy to open. He couldn�t chase me or run away from me like other humans. I tried to wait until he was out of the house, but last month my need for a fix completely took over.

Maury: What did you do?

Fat Albert: Oh, god, I can remember it like it was yesterday, Maury. The smell of chocolate was overpowering. I couldn�t think of anything else. I could smell it from the back yard. I didn�t want to hurt him. I didn�t want him to see me, but I couldn�t do anything but follow that smell into the kitchen.

Maury: You went into his house?!

Fat Albert: Yes, I did. I went into his kitchen and tore up the place. I ripped the cabinets from the walls. I knocked down the shelves. I broke dishes. I destroyed his property, all so that I could get my claws into some chocolate.

Maury: And the man was there the whole time?

Fat Albert: He was in the next room. I terrorized his house for two hours while he hid in his bedroom. He had no idea what I was going to do, and frankly, neither did I. All I knew was that I needed to have that chocolate. I didn�t care what happened afterwards. And I found it, finally, four pounds of it. I couldn�t eat it fast enough. I was like a bear possessed.

Maury: What did happen afterwards?

Fat Albert: [Weeping.] I don�t know. I must have passed out. I don�t think I hurt the man. But, all I remember is eating the chocolate. Next thing I know, I�m waking up on the floor, surrounded by cops. They tranqued me, put me in a cage like a common carnival animal, and carted me away. People were lined up on the sidewalk, gawking at me like I�m some kind of freak show. I couldn�t stand it. Through the tranquilizer haze, I made a commitment to myself never to let chocolate ruin my life like that again.

Maury: So, you got yourself into a program?

Fat Albert: Well, they made it a condition of my release, but yeah, I�m in a program now. It�s mainly for recovering lab rats, but they�ve let me join, as long as I agree not to eat the other patients. And it�s working. I�ve been clean and sober for 10 days now. [Applause from audience.]

Maury: What a remarkable story. Thank you for having the courage to talk about the lowest time in your life. I�m sure any young bears watching this morning have been given something serious to think about. We want to reward you for your courage and your commitment to sobriety. Audience, please give a hand for our special surprise guest, Smokey the Bear!

Smokey: Actually, it�s "Smokey Bear," but thank you anyway. Maury, we see stories like Fat Albert�s all the time. Young bears growing up without strong male role models, getting into trouble, harassing humans, ending up as rugs or trophies. Fat Albert is very lucky. He never actually hurt a human; that�s a death sentence right there. Well, Fat Albert, I was moved by your story. If you�re able to maintain your addiction therapy, I�d like to offer you a job with my organization. Don�t get me wrong, it�s hard work, but it will give you the opportunity to rebuild your pride. What do you say?

Fat Albert: [Openly crying.] Oh, Smokey Bear, thank you. I won�t let you down. Thank you, Maury, for believing in me.

Maury: All you have to do to show your thanks is keep up with your treatment. Thanks to Smokey Bear for coming to our studios. [To audience] Join us tomorrow for the next edition of Maury, My Joey�s in a Gang and I Don�t Know What to Do.
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