CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Don't get me started
2004-05-11

Fauna Files: Who�s My Baby Daddy?

Maury: Today on a special edition of Maury, titled, "My Son Might Be the Father of My Baby, Please Help!" we have with us today, St. Louis resident, Merah the Orangutan. Merah, please tell us your story.

Merah: Well, Maury, I never thought it would come to this. I was careful. I was taking birth control! I thought I did everything right.

Maury: So, what went wrong?

Merah: I was at a birthday party for one of the Bonobos chimps. You know how they get. Next thing you know folks are passing around fermented banana mush and....Well, I must have forgotten to take my pill that night.

Maury: But Merah, your own son, Sugi? How did this happen?

Merah: [Sobbing] You just don�t know, Maury! No one can judge me! I have to live with this mistake for the rest of my life. The worst thing is that this might ruin my relationship with Junior, my soul mate.

Maury: Does Junior know about all this?

Merah: He suspects something is wrong, but he doesn�t know for sure. He didn�t want to come here today. We tricked him into thinking he�d won a free makeover, which is just ludicrous because everyone at the zoo says Junior has great genes. Oh, Maury, I love him so much, I don�t know what to do. Oh, please God, let this baby be Junior�s!

Maury: Let�s bring him out. Audience, please welcome Junior! [Applause] Now Junior, look at this female sitting next to you. Do you love her?

Junior: I love her, yeah.

Maury: You�ve been together a long time, right?

Junior: Yeah, man we�ve been kicking it for years. She�s my lady. Ain�t nobody else but her.

Maury: Merah, you have something to say to Junior, don�t you? Tell Junior why you�re here today.

Merah: [Gulps] Junior, you know I love you, right? You know I�d never do anything to hurt you, right? Well, remember Kiki�s party last year? Well, I got drunk and I cheated on you with Sugi.

Junior: [Rises and knuckle-walks across stage] No! Sugi?! No, how you could do me like this, Merah? I loved you. You played me!

Maury: That�s not all. Merah, tell him the worst part.

Merah: This baby might not be yours.

Junior: [Throws feces at Merah and Maury] That�s it! I�m bouncing. I�m not taking any more of this. Merah, you can do what you want. [Knuckle-runs off, screeching]

Maury: One thing we don�t know, what does your son have to say about all this? Here�s a segment we taped earlier with Sugi.

Sugi: Maury, my mom is a crazy freak. I ain�t her baby daddy. Yeah, I took her birth control by mistake, but that don�t mean I�m the father of her child. She just wants to break me and my girlfriend up, �cos she�s jealous. She�s an old dried-up ho.

Audience: BOO!

Merah: You see what I have to put up with? Maury, this is killing me. I�m so ashamed. And I�m terrified that I�ll have to raise this baby on my own.

Maury: We�ll help you any way we can. But first, let�s hear from our audience.

Spider Monkey: Merah, you ain�t all that. Everybody knows you be sleeping around. Besides, on the news this morning, the shiny-faced airhead said your baby daddy is a gorilla.

Merah: That�s not true! I never slept with a gorilla! I don�t believe in interspecial love.

Maury: Well, all our questions will be answered in a month when the baby arrives. Merah, thank you for sharing your story with us. We�ll check back with you in a few weeks. Stay tuned for our next segment, "I�m a Panda and I�m Tired of Being Treated like a Sex Object."


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