CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA

By Quiconque

Movie Review: Troy

Last night La Belle H�l�ne and I saw Troy. I liked it. Here�s why.

Troy is the story of the Trojan War, made famous by Homer�s Illiad, Herodotus�s Histories, and Shakespeare�s Troilus and Cressida. This review doesn�t really contain any spoilers, since the main plot points are common knowledge. In fact, I�ll give away the ending right here: Troy loses. It�s a testament to the story telling that throughout the movie I kept hoping Hector would find a way to beat Achilles and save Troy from destruction. The gods and Cassandra are absent from this retelling, making this a story about human frailty and poor choices, which I suppose is the story of all war. More so than this, Troy is the story of some very good-looking men.

Brad Pitt does an adequate job of playing the brooding, moody, and oh so muscular Achilles, Greece�s finest warrior. Those of you who were impressed by his pelvic muscles in Fight Club will be happy to learn that the dents are back in full force, and we get to see them for most of the film. Achilles�s cousin/friend, Patroclus, is played by a young man who manages both to look like Brad Pitt and be extremely ugly at the same time. That is the extent of his talent.

Brad Pitt does have some trouble with the accent. I don�t understand why some American actors lapse into a British accent when they play European characters. (For a most egregious example of this, see Hilary Swank in The Affair of the Necklace. She�s supposed to be French.) I have no idea what the ancient Greeks sounded like, but I am sure they didn�t talk like affected Anglophiles. The other principals are played by English and Irish actors. Perhaps Pitt was unconsciously mimicking his costars.

It was good to see Peter O�Toole playing King Priapism, mainly because I�d thought O�Toole had died long ago. King Priapism is mad old, yo. Sean Bean (or, as La Belle H�l�ne calls him, Sean Buzh) plays a wily and cunning Odysseus. It�s a little odd to see him lithe and lanky next to the hulking Achilles, since for the past 3 years he�s been in the company of hobbits, dwarves, and fey elvish folk. Sean Bean looks good in a beard.

Speaking of fey elves, Orlando Bloom plays Paris, supposedly the handsomest man in the Known World. He�s pretty, delicate, and more than a little girly. He also is slightly reminiscent of Dylan McKay. Despite all this, my sister could not help swooning each time he professed his undying love for Helen. (Since when did the name Helen become cool again? I still remember the �Thirty Helens Agree� skit from The Kids in the Hall).

Eric Bana is Hector, which is a Puerto Rican name. Let me tell you, Papi got it goin� on.

There is one major problem with the movie: the costumes. The battle gear is fine, even sexy. But the lounge wear looks like something from last summer�s Newport News catalog--belly shirts and shapeless skirts. That�s for the young men. The old men look like they raided Mrs. Roper�s closet. (Wasn�t her name Helen, too?) In one scene, Brian Cox as Agamemnon seems to be wearing a green and red checkered duvet. For their part, the Trojans are very fond of blue and purple tie-dye, and I swear some of the city elders have picnic blankets draped over their shoulders.

I really don�t like love stories mucking up my action movies. In this case it cannot be helped since everyone�s waging �war for a placket� (Troilus and Cressida, Act I, Scene III). But the romance between Achilles and Bursitis looks more like Stockholm Syndrome than true love. One good point, it gave us more reasons to see Brad�s dents.

All in all, Troy is good fun, especially if you like to watch half-naked men sweat, toil, and fight each other under the hot sun. Momma likes a bit of eye candy every now and again.
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READING: HP3. Gotta brush up for June 4.

WATCHING: I dunno, MustSeeTV is over, isn't it?