CHARISMATIC MEGAFAUNA |
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By Quiconque |
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2005-11-29A Stupid Way to Spend the Afternoon"I did it all by myself!" I declared triumphantly. To what monumental task was I referring? Could it be I finally completed the dissertation which has been hanging, all albatrossy, around my neck for a third of my life? Could it be a seven course dinner complete with Jameson's-spiked creme brulee? Could it be the more mundane but infinitely more important task of changing a flat tire? No. What I did, what gave me such a feeling of pride and accomplishment, is pee in a cup. I have a new job which requires that I have a background check and take a drug test before I can be officially hired. Yesterday afternoon I drove to a remote laboratory in Westchester to have my urine collected for analysis. Easy enough, I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. Before you get any ideas, no, I am not pee-shy. I am probably too pee-brave, if such a thing exists. Given the right drukenness, er, circumstances, it doesn't matter who hears, who sees, or, in the case of asparagus, smells what's going on when I pee. But I am clumsy. And large. And also finicky about toilet cleanliness. So, when the nurse showed me the tiny, dirty closet where I'd be making my sample, I had some misgivings. And I was right. Trying to figure out how to position the cup, not pee on myself, not touch the toilet with any part of my body, and not soil my clothes with whatever was on the floor all proved too much for me. I completely missed the cup...and then the cup slipped out of my hand and fell into the toilet. The L glowed brightly on my forehead as I left the bathroom. The nurse was very good-natured. She instructed me to throw out the cup, wash my hands, and drink from the water cooler in the waiting room. After nine cups of water and two more failed attempts, I got desperate. I called La Belle Helene, hoping she would tell me a funny story that would jolt the pee right out of me. But our conversation only succeeded in making her have to go to the bathroom. Finally, after nightfall, I achieved my heretofore elusive goal. I had not felt such pride since I was about 18 months old. |
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